Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
