I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
