the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
We got so high we made milksteak
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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