he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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