Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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