Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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