I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Randomize
