last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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