Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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