there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
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