i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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