I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
