textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I didn't notice because vodka
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
