Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
