I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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