You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
