At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
