i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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