fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
