She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
