We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
