i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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