you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
