if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
