i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
what day is it and did you see me today?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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