So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
