So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I party with great urgency now.
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