So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
