I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He passed out mid-signature
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
