If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Drunk is not a location!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
