remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
