that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
