I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I love you. Go after that dick
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I smell like Dick and happiness
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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