Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
