Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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