there's paper in my vomit.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
