Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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