I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
