Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
