when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
