I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
