if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
