i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
