I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Randomize
