Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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