normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
