you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
