Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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