i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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