if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
